We don’t watch action films for in depth plots or touching emotional resonance. We aren’t looking for subtle direction or nuanced acting. Action films are all about big muscular guys blowing things up and kicking the hell out of baddies who deserve a good stomping. High octane, seat of the pants escapism requires a decent lead to get us hooked. They don’t need to be able to act. Sometimes they don’t really need to be able to talk coherently. As long as they look convincing with a machine gun in either hand or smashing through windows feet first then they’ll do as an action hero. Sometimes Hollywood gets it badly wrong though and in this article we remember the most unbelievable action heroes to ever throw a punch.

Roger Moore
The foppish, safari-suited toff with the stained leather skin never came close to convincing anyone he could win a real life fight. Moore somehow managed to play one of the greatest action heroes of all time. He appeared as James Bond more often than any other actor and yet he is by far the weakest looking person to tackle the role, if you don’t count David Niven and the comedy excursion. Having said that I still reckon Niven would run him close in a fist fight. How Moore ever carved an action hero career for himself is a complete mystery.

Keira Knightley
Have you ever seen Domino? It’s not an experience I’d recommend. The spectacle of Keira Knightley and her pale, balsa wood frame pretending to be a hardened bounty hunter is laughable. I wonder if you would even feel it if she blindsided you with a punch. I know the real life woman was a model but take a look at a picture of her when she became a bounty hunter. Now that woman could hurt you, Keira on the other hand would do better to stick to period dramas because she certainly doesn’t cut it in the action genre.

Mark Hamill
It feels blasphemous to list Hamill but watching Star Wars there is no escaping his resemblance to the Milky Bar Kid. He was extremely puny looking and never really managed to shine as an action hero. His career never ventured beyond the Star Wars films although I did see him a few years ago in a horror movie where he played a maniac quite convincingly. Hamill may not have been a hugely convincing action star but you try looking good next to Harrison Ford.

Pamela Anderson
The horror of Barb Wire goes beyond the acting performance. The idea that Pamela Anderson could win a fight is enough to stretch credulity beyond breaking point. Poured into a skin tight outfit with a cleavage that threatens to topple her at any moment Pamela tries to scowl her way through a number of gun fights. Shacking up with a series of supposedly bad boy rockers and returning to an abusive boyfriend in real life makes Pamela a pretty terrible choice for an action hero.

Michael Douglas
Need a slimy sex-obsessed weirdo or a megalomaniac business villain? Well then Michael Douglas is your man but for goodness sake stop casting him as an action hero. Even going back to Romancing the Stone it was clear Douglas never had his father’s flair for rugged action roles. Nowadays with old age rapidly overtaking him the idea that he is an action hero becomes ridiculous. Watching Douglas run around in thrillers like The Sentinel it is difficult not to see him as a deluded egomaniac.

Ralph Macchio
The point of the Karate Kid films was that a well trained weakling could still fight a grown man and win but I’m not buying it. Not when that weakling is Ralph Macchio who looks as though he would snap in a light breeze. Standing unbalanced on one leg in his daft crane posture he looked as though he would fall over at the slightest provocation. It is a classic underdog tale and it was an 80’s phenomenon but go back and take a look at Ralph. Could he really win a fight?

Leonardo DiCaprio
His recent attempt to transform his boyish charm into action hero hard for Body of Lies involved growing a beard. Even his beard didn’t convince in the role. By some strange quirk of fate Leonardo DiCaprio has failed to age beyond his twelfth birthday which makes his forays into action territory kind of hard to believe. It doesn’t really matter how much training he does because you still get the impression that Arnie or Stallone could pick him up one handed.

Kate Beckinsale
I’m not sure exactly how it happened but Kate Beckinsale went from period drama posh girl to action heroine in the blink of an eye. While her Underworld performances are passable her appearance in the terribly moronic flick Van Helsing was gratingly awful. What is she doing as a Transylvanian noble in a bodice with tighter than tight leather trousers? I’m not sure anyone could have made this role work given how bad the film was but Kate certainly didn’t pull it off.

Ben Affleck
Actually Affleck is a good candidate for any list of the most unconvincing actors but he has made some of the worst action films ever and been utterly unbelievable in all of them. Armageddon, Pearl Harbour and Daredevil are the worst offenders. The problem isn’t really his physique or his amazingly distracting bum cleavage chin, rather it is his complete inability to act.

The Baldwins
Collectively the Baldwins are all terrible and yet somehow they keep getting work. They are all overly hairy and greasy looking and Alec Baldwin sounds like an elephant in heat. The Shadow was probably Alec’s worst action performance but they’ve all struggled to convince in action hero roles. From the super arrogant Alec to Stephen the red nosed Baldwin all the way down to the lesser spotted Baldwins they all suck.