The Worst of 2009
It’s difficult to really pull the worst out of the year’s films. There was some real garbage produced this year, The Battle for Terra (starring the much over-rated Justin Long), Street Fighter, the Legend of Chun Li… but many of these films can be explained away in a moment, it’s a video game movie!! See? So I shot for movies that really gave an effort, but seemed to miss the mark badly.
Watchmen: This movie was best left in the comic book store. Watchmen is a cult classic to hardcore comic book heads, but to the rest of us it’s a jumble of ‘what ifs’ ‘who cares’ ‘who are these people’ and ‘what do I care’? It was OK to look at but in the end, I just didn’t care about any of the characters or their alternate United States. Maybe if you are into cinematography or color it might be good to watch, otherwise, skip it. Devin Gordon says it best for Newsweek, "That's the trouble with loyalty. Too little, and you alienate your core fans. Too much, and you lose everyone – and everything – else." OK, it wasn't that bad, but I hate the hype machine and that factors in.
Transformers : Rise of the something or other: Not even the pretty face of Megan Fox could save this film, and maybe she knew she couldn’t judging by this bridge-burning quote: "(He wants to) create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for." I wouldn’t accuse the guy of being Hitler if I were her, since she was nobody before Michael Bay saw her selling Chicklets on the streets of Florida. Maybe it was her own little way of saying, “I’ve had enough of these explosion and digital fill in movies. I wonder what McG is doing?”
Obsessed: Too bad the creators of Obsessed were obsessed with Beyonce, the world’s most nauseating and thigh-licious pop-diva. Her performance in this predictably horrible romantic thriller was about what you might expect from the girl whose stompingly seismic Single Girl video is still the ‘best video ever’, to quote another notable jackass. I still hate that video. Mostly for the irritating demand put out there by these professed single ladies whose most attractive aspect is their need and desire to force a player to marry them. Like pointing at your finger and demanding a ring is gonna work?
Bruno: I laughed almost all the way through Borat, so I was excited to see Sacha Baron Cohen drop a flamboyant gay European into the Midwest. Sadly, it was more terrifying than humorous. In a scene where Cohen was surely inches from death after attending a hunting trip with some ‘good ‘ol boys’ I was terrified of a real life Deliverance scene erupting. The way Cohen manipulated people with Borat was funny, and seemed to pull various emotions from his marks. This movie just got people pissed off. Maybe the difference is that there is still some tolerance for foreigners in this country but gays, not so much.
Anything with a vampire in it: I saw the trailer for New Moon. That wolf looked like an Art Institute contract job for a children’s TV show, on Sci-Fi. Bad. And who is this arrogant little pale thing, K-Stew, stomping around Hollywood with some sense of entitlement like anyone over the age of 22 that doesn’t live in Orange County even saw these movies? She knows this is the definition of ‘flash in the pan’ right? And don’t get me started on Pattinson, this guy is a classic high school drama nerd, hanging out behind the auditorium, smoking cigarettes all disaffected and pasty. This will be the Pet Rock of the 80s, Milli Vanilli of the 90s. The Vampire fad or George Bush, one or the other will stand above all the campy, tacky, terrible, cheesy crap we indulged in the 00s, including one of the 40 vampire movies made in 2009.