The Last Review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen You Will Ever Need.

The Last Review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen You Will Ever Need.

I used to watch Transformers when I was a kid and one of the standard plot lines was as follows: the Decepticons try to find sources of Energon and the Autobots try to stop them.  It's a pretty simple formula.  Bad guys want to find something, good guys must stop them, or else.  I didn't care about the dynamic between the characters.  I didn't care about plot subtleties.  I didn't care about anything but robots that transformed into various objects and the chaos that ensued when the two warring factions met in battle.
 
I was thoroughly surprised at the negative reviews for both the first and the second live-action Transformers movies.  Now, it's not that I think that Michael Bay is an excellent director, or that he's ever made anything that's really "good," in an Academy Award sense.  In fact, Bay made The Island, which if I'm not mistaken is one of the biggest shit piles in cinematic history.  I’ve never watched Pearl Harbor, but I've heard the song about it from Team America: World Police, and that's probably sufficient, no?  That being said, Bay did make Bad Boys and Bad Boys II, both of which kick incredible amounts of ass, even when they are just sitting in their DVD cases not being watched.  This leads us back to the newest installment in the Transformers franchise, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
 
Like the two Bad Boys movies, Revenge of the Fallen doesn't try to woo its viewers with things like "plot" or "believeability."  It draws its audience in through the use of valuable techniques such as everything blowing the hell up, all of the time, even when people are sleeping.  But unlike the Bad Boys movies, Revenge of the Fallen adds yet another dynamic—bone-crushing gi-fucking-gantic robots.  But not just any robots, robots that have the ability to change both their size and shape through advanced alien technology (read: "magic").  They are, in effect, robots in disguise (sort of, except they kind of expose themselves when they blow up large historical landmarks deemed “Ancient Wonders” by various historical societies).  People who went to see this movie (and this apparently does not include the critics who gave this movie such negative reviews) wanted to see the following items, in no particular order: giant robots, explosions, completely uneccessary noise, Megan Fox, gratuitous use of CG simply for the sake of showing a bunch of cool shit transforming into other cool shit, and Optimus Prime fighting with giant sword/blade thingies that come out of his hands (arms?) and are an orangish color because they may or may not be really hot.
 
Now, many critics have said things like, "The plot was non-existent," or, "The plot was unintelligible," or, “I couldn’t hear anything other than explosions.”  I hate to break it to those who said that, but I have a hard time understanding how you couldn't follow a plot line written by Michael Bay.  It's really not rocket science.  Allow me to condense this film into just a couple of sentences:
 
Sam finds a shard of the Allspark, which in turn imprints images directly into his brain that will lead the Transformers to a source of energy known as the "MacGuffin."  The Decepticons want the MacGuffin so that they can raise an army that will wipe out the Autobots once and for all.  The only problem is that they will have to destroy our sun to get the MacGuffin they need.  Obviously, the humans and Autobots don't want that to happen because the former would die and the latter would break the rule they made that they wouldn't wipe out a planet full of life just to get the MacGuffin.  Battles ensue.  Autobots win (SPOILER ALERT!!!).  The End.
 
Now that wasn't so hard was it?  The only explanation I can come up with for not understanding the plot of this movie is that a lot of critics must have willed themselves not to undertand it.  I mean really, you could probably sleep through this film and still absorb the plot line through osmosis.  Sure, there were a few cringe-worthy moments, and sure there could be some improvements.  But consider that this film is made for those of us who remember the cartoon and want to see that faithfully rendered in film.  That means the entire movie lives up to the standards of a 13 year old.  If your standards were any higher than this when you went into the theater, well, they shouldn’t have been now should they?

Bay was asked to deliver a movie that was almost solely eye-candy, and he indeed delivered.  So critics, the next time you plan on reviewing a movie that is very clearly not intended to be anything other than a popcorn flick, smoke a joint and enjoy yourself, for Christ’s sake.  There will be plenty of artsy films for you to view this and every other year.  It’s Michael Bay, not Fellini.