Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows

Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows

Can I get a yaaaaaawn?

I want to write Guy Ritchie and demand my two hours back. I want compensation in time or money; maybe he could just let me come over to his house and jump around like a monkey on methamphetamine for two hours while he cries, scratches his eyes out, or falls asleep, which is pretty much what I wanted to do while watching his awful movie last night with my husband.

Look, we only get one night a week to watch TV together, so it had better be something we like. I kept begging to turn this piece of garbage—this film known deceptively as Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows—off, pleading to just watch the hamster run in her wheel instead, which was far more interesting, but my husband kept saying, “Let’s just give it a chance,” which is what I told him as our eyes bled out during Black Dahlia, Hollywoodland, and other flops before. If a movie sucks and it’s already been on for an hour, you might as well kill it.

The worst thing about this really boring movie—aside from the fact that it wasn’t even a fraction as clever or enjoyable as its predecessor, or that it overused so many elements from the first film that it was like a bad parody—was that it ruined the first movie, too. I’m not kidding; once you know things from this movie, you can’t watch the first one again—no matter how often you had seen it before and enjoyed it, as we had—without hating the characters and knowing what happens to them later.

It’s a lot like what George Lucas and company did to Indiana Jones a couple of summers ago. Aliens? Seriously? The same thing happened here, with elements like torture, genetic/face manipulation a la Mission: Impossible only worse, and weak humor around riding horses and wearing women’s clothing. I’m unfortunately not kidding; if you haven’t seen this movie, you are not missing out.

In fact, if you haven’t seen this movie but you loved the first one, please skip it. I wish I had. I wish someone had stepped in and saved one of my favorite movies for me. Instead, just as I can’t watch The Last Crusade anymore without thinking about alien heads and Shia stinkin’ Lebouf, I will never be able to watch that stellar first Sherlock Holmes film again without imagining the horrific plotline, awful slow-mo scenes, and general painful stupidity that was this second movie.